So I Did A Thing

I did a thing I shouldn’t have done. I’m filled with regret, and I might’ve called myself an idiot several times. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. What were you thinking? The devil made me…No, you can’t blame the devil for this one. He didn’t make you do it. You made a choice while in complete-ish control of your mind.

You had a thought, decided it was reasonable, and then took actionable steps to implement this folly. You made a choice. The consequences were considered. Past experiences factored in, and still, there was a deliberate decision to ignore reason and common sense.

Madness was chosen and here were are, in the throws of lunacy. Well done, you. I’ll even toss in a slow clap filled with sarcasm. How about an eye roll and my signature dramatic sigh? Should I stop addressing myself as an entity separated from myself? 

It’s madness, I tell you. Madness.

With that build-up, you’d think I attempted to pull off a heist or had a torrid affair with a persona non grata. I’ve gone done and did it now. What could it be? It’s gotta be salacious. What else could trigger such self-disgust and compunction? It has to be a monumental lapse in cognition.

Uh, well, I might’ve hyped it up too much. My bad. I can’t resist adding a little drama to my prose. It’s more fun that way. Well, it’s more fun for me anyway.

So, what exactly did I do? 

I had a cup of coffee, and now it’s doing weird things to my internal processing unit. It was decaf too, and that should be the safer option. It’s in the name, for goodness sake. Decaffeinated as in sans caffeine. Oh, hold your tale ends, my friends. I know that decaffeinated coffee has a small about of caffeine. The name is a lie, and why aren’t more people talking about this?

Big coffee has been lying to us, sheeple. Wake up and smell the no-name brand in your cup because I don’t wanna get sued for copyright infringement. They’re messing with people’s lives and… Damn, I have the caffeine tolerance of a newborn baby. Clearly, the jitterbug effect has taken over my brain.

Crazy going slowly, am I? Clearly, I used the word sheeple and started a conspiracy theory. I’ve gone goofy.

Actually, I’m just sitting here doing nothing because I decided I needed a vacation from my entire existence. I’ve been watching dash-cam videos on Youtube. Did you know kangaroos get road rage? Neither did I. Turns out, those things are cute menaces.

I’ve thrown myself into the mind-numbing drivel in a desperate attempt to forget that I’m a person. There’s just one problem— well, two if you count the cup of coffee— I didn’t consider the fact that we can’t take a break from ourselves. I was kinda hoping I could take off my people suit, hang it up in a closet, and be a blob of gooey nothingness for a while.

Turns out, life keeps happening to you even when you beg it to stop. I can’t set up an auto-reply that says: Sorry, I’m away from my body at the moment. Please try again in two weeks. 

Did I try? LOL, you betcha, but I’m not very good with technology, and I kept getting an error message. Go figure.

I have taken some time off from this space and others. It’s been good for me, and I want to say thank you. I received some messages of support, and that has meant the world to me. The last few months have been horrendous, and I emotionally tapped out a couple of weeks ago. Everything in my life felt like a monumental effort. I was constantly on the verge of tears. The thought of putting one more word on a page was just too much, so as much as it pained me, I stepped back.

It was the right decision, and I knew it was, but I hate to let people down. That’s what it felt like I was doing. Especially those of you who’ve gone out of your way to subscribe, like, or comment. It might not seem like a big deal to you, but it means a lot to me. You take time out of your busy lives to read these words, and that blows my mind. How could I just walk away? How could I let you down like that?

And yes, I hear how silly that sounds. The only person putting pressure on me is me. I’m my own worst enemy. Damn you, brain. Damn you!

Despite my self-flagellation, the ill-conceived consumption of certain beverages, and the jitterbugging brain, I’m feeling a bit better, sort of. I stopped pressuring myself, and I acknowledged my feelings. I’m tired, burnt out, and overwhelmed. It’s been a horrible summer filled with loss and near losses. Is it any wonder that I’m emotionally spent, and my mental health has taken a hit? No, it’s a reasonable response.

The universe threw my life into a blender and cranked it up. It drove me a bit mad so, I pulled over and waited for the spinning to stop. Did I just muddle up the metaphors? Two for the price of one! You’re welcome. Has the appliance been turned off? Nope, but it’s not going as fast. I can almost focus again. So, what do I do now?

I don’t want to do anything, but doing nothing makes my brain itch, my heart race, and my anxiety burns a hole in my stomach. Or that’s acid reflux, and I shouldn’t have had that cup of coffee. That was a bad idea. No, it was absolutely a horrible idea.

I can’t remember the last time I had a cup. Maybe it was six or seven months ago? It was a dark and stormy day when tragedy struck. I ran out of tea. Egads, what could I do? My survival instincts kicked in, I needed a warm beverage in my hands, so I did the unthinkable. I…I can’t say it…I drank coffee instead of tea.

Oh, the shame! And the heartburn. It doesn’t agree with me at all. My stomach rebels, my hand tremors increase, and my heart loses all sense of rhythm. Does it matter? Well, for my overall health, I should probably never do it again, but screw it. I’m on vacation, or is it a sabbatical? 

Kindness and encouragement, as trivial as it seems, can change the course of someone’s life.

There was a giant wall in front of me, and I ran into it headfirst and at great speed. There was an almighty crash, and I crumpled to the floor in a heap. It’s all metaphorical, of course. I don’t need to tell you that. You’re clever enough on your own, but this is the internet, and misunderstandings lead to nastiness.

I have enough of that in my head so, I don’t need someone adding to it. It’s one of the reasons I decided to take a holiday from writing and posting. The nastiness and noise in my own head became too much to handle. Life stressors became overwhelming, and I had to tap out before I completely broke down.

After a couple of weeks of watching stupid videos, I’m still feeling the weight on my chest. My mind is still running a million miles a minute. I have no answers or fixes for my current situation. I’m holding on and praying that I find a purpose for my life. Right now, I don’t have one or I can’t see it.

Can someone who’s feeling hopeless type words of encouragement? How can I tell you to hold on when don’t know if I can? How can I say you’re needed and wanted when I struggle to say the same thing to my reflection? It’s a bit hypocritical, and it borders on a lie.

But when I look at you, it’s easy for me to see your worth and your value. I truly believe everyone has something to offer, a need to fill, and a reason for their existence. When I say those words to you, it isn’t a lie. Genuinely, from the tips of my toes to the ends of my curly hair, that’s the God’s honest truth.

You’re needed, wanted, and you’re capable of amazing things. Just look how far you’ve come and how much you’ve gone through. Does it annoy you when people say, I don’t know how you do it? It kind of annoys me, but that’s not the point. You did it. You’ve come this far. I could spend the rest of this post screaming your praises.

Pump up your friend, pump them up, you know they need it. Yes, that’s a bastardized version of that song by that guy. Pump up the jam on the toast…No, that’s not it. But you get it, or you can look it up.

I don’t think I’m the only one who finds it easier to hype others up but struggles to do it for themselves. It doesn’t matter how much coffee we drink or how fast the jitterbugs are going; being your own hero is hard. I struggle to do it. It’s rare for me to say that I did good or even see that I’m capable of doing something right.

When I look at my life, I see a f**k up and a coward. That doesn’t mean I’m either of those things. It’s just what I see through eyes scarred by trauma and clouded by mental illness. But then I get messages from people who relate to what I’m saying, or they learn to see something from a new perspective.

You force me to stop and consider the possibility that maybe I’m doing okay. Struggling, for sure, but I’m not a complete loss. That’s a powerful thing, right there. Kindness and encouragement, as trivial as they seem, can change the course of someone’s life. It can make a depressed cynic like me stop and consider endless possibilities.

I know we’re not supposed to depend on other people for our happiness, and that’s good advice. It’s not your responsibility to make me smile or have a good day. It’s up to me to find joy in my own life. But don’t underestimate your ability to turn someone’s day around with a kind word or the simplest gesture. 

Life has been so difficult lately, and those of you who’ve shown me kindness have been a lifeline. You’ve helped me find my smile when all I wanted to do was cry. You offered a glimpse of hope when I couldn’t see it. And the one thing that has helped the most? You’ve shared your struggles, and I know that I’m not alone.

So, in my caffeine-induced jittery sort of way, I want to take this moment to say thank you. Your kindness has been a gift, you’ve been an angel in a lonely place, and I’m immensely grateful. Please, never underestimate your ability to turn someone’s day around with a simple act. You never know, your kindness might even save someone’s life one day.

If that’s not a good reason to choose kindness? I don’t know what is.