I Gotta Be Honest

How about a moment of honesty and complete transparency? That should be fun and not at all awkward. One of these days I’ll learn to keep my mouth shut or my fingers still. One day, but today is not that day. Besides, I feel like I owe you a little bit of personal truth so, here goes.

Read anything I written lately, and this won’t come as a shock. I’ve been in a super funk for a while now. The things I enjoy doing aren’t bringing me much joy, if any. I’m beating myself up a lot and using phrases like always and never. Standing in front of the mirror, I ask questions like, why are you so stupid? Or, why do you have to be like this? Can’t you be normal for once?

Super health self-talk going on, I know. Worst cheerleader in the history of cheeriness? I’m not putting the pep into pep-talk, but I am putting the boo into boohoo. As the song goes, you raise me up so I can fall a thousand feet. Wait, that’s not how it goes, is it? No, the lyrics are supposed to be uplifting (literally?), but I’ve turned it in a woeful ballad.

Seriously, why are am I like this? I don’t know. There are no answers to be found. I’m in the funkiest of funks, but I’m trying to pull myself out of it. It’s a white knuckle, torn fingernails, sweat dripping from orifices, kind of effort. I’m trying, alright? Geez, I’ve gotta stop nagging myself so much.

God, I’m tired.

If there’s one phrase I’ve used more than any other? That’s it. God, I’m so tired. Over and over, multiple times a day, I say those words. It’s the one truth that’s undeniable, I’m exhausted.

It’s not just physical exhaustion. While that’s a part of it, it goes deeper. It’s eleven AM and I could close my eyes right now. There’s a chance I’m typing this with my eyes closed. Well, that explains all the spelling and grammatical errors lately. Writing, like driving, should be done with the eyes open and focused on the hazards ahead. Or something like that. What do I know? I’m not an expert in road safety. 

This kind of exhaustion is soul-deep, and no amount of sleep will make it go away. Do you know what I’m talking about? I hope you don’t. If you understand it, then you’ve experienced it, or you’re currently going through it. That’s not good. It sucks, doesn’t it? Damn, what I wouldn’t give for a soul nap.

What do you do when your soul, spirit, or the core of your humanity runs out of energy? Everything, no matter how big or small, feels dire, and you’re at critical mass. There’s a constant alarm bell ringing in your head. You’re looking for something good, but nothing feels good enough. Did someone push the big red button? Yep, now everything’s shutting down.

What do you do when that happens?

Everything feels like a chore right now, and it’s an impossible feat to overcome. Small things like showering, doing the dishes, and eating dinner become massive tasks. Even things I enjoy, love, bring a sigh of exhaustion, and I’m doing them out of habit or a perceived sense of duty. I’m just so tired, I can’t.

Writing this post, for example, usually gives me so much joy. At the very least, it’s fun and gives me a sense of purpose. Usually. Typically. Under any other circumstance, in any other moment, this would be my escape from reality or a strange way to process it.

I genuinely love doing this and connecting with you on some level. It’s an incredible feeling when someone takes the time to read what I write. When you give it a like, I feel a jolt of joy. When you like it enough to subscribe and come with me on this journey? Oh, my heart! I can’t tell you how much that means to me. I’m being completely serious when I say, thank you. It means more than you’ll ever know.

I’m saying this, so you don’t take what I’m about to say as some kind of jab or think I’m an ungrateful, spoiled wench. Believe me, this is a personal, momentary, mental health struggle and not a foot-stamping, breath-holding temper tantrum. I’m in a deep funk, and the only way I can get out of it is to talk it out. Well, that’s my hope but, hope isn’t a friend right now.

As much as I love doing this, I’m struggling. I always try, in my writing, to find positives in the negatives. It’s my way of reminding myself that there’s another way to look at life. I get caught up in the life sucks, and then you die, mentality. It’s my default setting, but I’m trying to change that so, I write about the good things and finding happiness. I actively seek it out in my writing as a reminder to look for it in my life.

But right now?

I don’t know. I just can’t see it or feel it. To sit here and write about it feels dishonest, and that’s not fair to you. I’ve been trying to do it, though. If you read my last few posts, I’m sure you’ll see the strain and the seepage. Despite my best effort, I can’t hide much of myself on this page, it seems.

If anything I’ve written lately has felt disingenuous? My apologies, it’s never my intent. I’m trying to change my thinking and convince myself that positives still exist in a summer full of negatives. If I say it often enough, then it has to be true. Put it in writing and post it online? Is that how to manifest a new reality?

Uh, it’s not working.

So, I guess the question is, what do I do about this funky feeling? I’m under a lot of stress, and I have been for a couple of months. It’s been relentless, and it’s wearing me down. A loved one is still very sick in the hospital, I’m looking for a job, and the isolation over the last year has built up. I’m tired. I’m so tired. I need a vacation or…..Is that what I need to do?

Take a break?

Step away for a little bit? Take a long nap and then focus on one thing at a time. It feels a little like giving into the funk and letting it win. I should keep fighting it, shouldn’t I? But I don’t have the energy to do that right now. I am so tired. I can’t remember the last time I felt this exhausted. Would it be the worst thing in the world if I gave in for a little while?

Something has gotta give so, before it breaks, yeah, I need a moment. And I’m realizing that as I type these words. When I sat down to write this, this wasn’t my intent. I’ve been looking for a positive spin, but I found something else. I need a minute. I need a break. I can feel something giving way, and if I don’t stop? 

Well, the thing that might break is me so, I need to look after myself. I’ve reached peak stress levels. I have nothing more to give. My emotions are tapped out, and my brain is fried. I need a break, a nap, and a lot of self-care. If I’m going to find my joy again, I need to take a moment.

So, I guess this moment of honesty is a moment of clarity. Life is challenging, stressful, and it’s emotionally draining. If I’m at the point where something I love is bringing me to tears? It’s time to take a break. I— we— can take some time to rest if we need it. If the things that usually give us joy are met with numbness? Take some time to find the happiness in other things and then come back.

And I will be back sooner rather than later because I really do love this. It gives me so much joy. I just need to get back to a place where I can feel that happiness again. I need a good rest.

Please know that you are loved and needed. I really appreciate the time you take to read these words and anything else I’ve written. I might not know you in the real world, but you mean the world to me.