I’m Just Not Going To Adult Right Now

*Warning: This one is…Yeah, I don’t know either.*

I told you that I want to take life a little less seriously, right? So, uh, I’m going to share a very odd craving. It’s more of an urge to do something bizarre, ridiculous, and I don’t know where’s it coming from. It’s really not all that hygienic. I think my dietician would have a few choice words for me. Also, it would be a giant waste of food, energy, and more importantly, cake.

Would it be worth the glares and questions about my overall sanity? Sure, I suppose that wouldn’t be the worst outcome. Would it be worth it? Nah, but it might be a flashing neon warning sign. It might even suggest that I’m falling off the edge of mental stability. Don’t worry, it’s a small drop with a cushioned landing. I’ll be okay in a day or two.

Last night, I was sitting on my couch watching a show on some streaming service. What show? No idea! I was paying more attention to the fish I was trying to snag on Animal Crossing. That’s riveting content in my home these days. Wow, I need to get out more. When it’s safe to do so!

Between the droning voices on the tv screen and the monotonous gameplay on my handheld device; my mind started to wander. Mm, I’d love a slice of cake right now. Chocolate cake because, duh, it’s classically yummy. It would have to be a big slice. A huge one. No! I want the whole cake and it should be bigger than my head. 

Oh, my head. Hello, strange craving, desire, or is it a compulsion? Either way, welcome to the party. It came barging through the front door of my cranium with flare and drama. It came on a wisp of madness or, was that genius? It’s such a fine line between the two, isn’t it? 

Brace yourself for a truly bizarre thought, and if you laugh at me? Well, I deserve it, and I will take it on the chin. If you question my mental health? Welcome to the club. It’s not an exclusive affair so, I hope you don’t mind mingling with an eclectic group. 

You know what would feel amazing right now? Smashing my entire face into a triple-layer chocolate cake. I’m not talking about eating it alone in the dark with my bare hands. Though, that sounds equal parts delicious and horribly sad. But this? Oh, this would be a face plant into a delectable, gooey, sweet pillow of chocolatey goodness.

Okay, weirdo!

Would it be less weird if I “accidentally” slipped and fell? Oops, I tripped and landed face-first into this cake. What is it doing here? It’s such a strange place to put a cake, but there it is. Accidents will happen. My bad.

If you’re asking, what the what? Same, I have no idea where this sudden and peculiar desire came from. I know how ludicrous it sounds. I’m asking myself, what’s wrong with you? Have you finally lost it? After a whole year, under indescribable pressure, have I succumb to the burgeoning madness?

Yeah…

When I was a kid, we’d sing this stupid song. I don’t know where it came from or why we sang it. Did you sing it to, or was it a local tune? It went, “I am slowly going crazy 1,2,3,4,5,6 switch! Crazy going slowly am I 6,5,4,3,2,1 switch!” Put that on repeat until your mom tells you to shut up. That’s the rule! You can’t stop singing it until someone angrily tells you to knock it off.

That’s how I’m feeling right now; A little crazy and a tiny bit goofy. Mostly I’m stuck in a loop until someone kicks me off the ride. Instead of a juvenile song, I’m picturing my face coming into intimate contact with a confectionery. Is there anything wrong with that? No! No, not at all?

What’s wrong with me? I’m such a weirdo sometimes. Okay, most of the time, but now it’s on public display. That’s not awkward at all.

The thing is, life has been way too serious for far too long. Or, more accurately, I’ve been taking it too seriously, and I’m at the end of my bungee cord. There’s only so much I can take before gravitational forces collide with elastic energy, and boing I get…sprung? 

That’s going to be taken the wrong way. I’m talking about bungee cords not… Well, if I have to explain then, you should ask a responsible adult. And no, I’m not a responsible adult. At least, not right now because of the whole cake thing.

I’m sure there are people out there in the wide world that exist in a perpetual state of sombre reflection. They are perfectly content to live in a humourless bubble. Austere, contemplative, and genuinely baffled by the existence of clowns, comics, and Saturday morning cartoons.

That’s not a judgemental statement! Society needs all sorts of people to function at optimal levels. We need scientists and poets. Jugglers and philosophers. Academics and painters. A world without balancing forces is a planet that will inevitably spin out of control. 

And before you ask, yes, I have watched the news, and it’s clear to me that we’re grossly out of balance. The scales have tipped too far in one direction, and we’ve forgotten how to laugh, relax, or enjoy the simplest pleasures.

Such as burying your face in a triple-layer chocolate cake? Yes! If more people experienced such peculiar yet wholesome urges, then life wouldn’t be one long trip through dire straights. If we could loosen our grip, unclench our nether regions, and chill the fuck out for one day, hour, or five minutes? At this point, I’d settle for a solid sixty seconds.

At our current level of solemnity? I think we might rupture a vital organ if we don’t lighten up just a bit. I’m not suggesting we let go of our responsibilities or forgo public safety. There’s a level of sobriety that needs to be maintained for the wellbeing of humankind.

But personally, as individuals with limited emotional and mental fortitude? We would all benefit from a moment of silliness and absurdity. Allow ourselves a moment every now and then to have urges that are childish and inane. Would it be the worst thing? Hardly!

This silly impulse speaks volumes. It’s stupid and a complete waste of a perfectly good cake. I will never do something like that despite a deep desire to let my inhibitions off their very tight leash. I can’t even have the thought without asking, what’s wrong with me!

Obviously, it’s not really about the cake. It’s about letting go of whatever’s holding me back or keeping me in this dark and dank headspace. It’s about breaking down the walls that keep me trapped in this life, a life I’m not loving, and stops me from venturing out into God know’s what. 

That cake brouhaha is nothing more than a symptom of an underlying need to be free, silly, and content. I was going to write happy, but that’s not accurate. I want to feel contentment, a sense of peace, in my everyday existence. Happiness is fleeting and fickle. It comes and goes like a tidal wave. Sure, watching the waves come and go is a beautiful, meditative experience, but it always comes to an end.

Contentment, good humour, and silliness? That seems a bit more sustainable and achievable. Somehow, in some ways, these emotions feel more solid and real. They feel actionable. Happiness? That, to me, feels like something that flows in and out on a breeze. It flows through my tightly clenched fist, and I can’t hold onto it, no matter how hard I try.

Or, I’m blowing hot air out of my nether region and reading way too much into an absurd compulsion. Am I simply grasping aimlessly for something to shake myself up and out of this confined headspace? It wouldn’t be the first time, and it won’t be the last. But when was the last time I let my childish silliness run amuck?

You’ve probably heard about the ship stuck in the Suez Canal. Every new’s outlet is covering it. It’s blocking off a valuable trade route and costing something like 9 billion dollars a day. That’s a billion with a capital B! I just pictured Scrooge McDuck swimming in his vault full of Bitcoins.

There’s absolutely nothing silly, funny, or childish about this situation. Except, an image of the ship’s GPS tracking was released and, well, let’s just say it was a real cock-up. Wink. Wink. Nudge. Nudge. Did I just giggle like I was ten years old and someone said penis? Yes, yes, I most certainly did.

Experts quickly pointed out that the image from the ship’s navigational system was not done intentionally. No one left their twelve-year-old in charge of navigations. It was a completely innocent, yet unfortunate, coincidence. And I’m sure that’s all true but come on! It looks like a…Well, you know.

That chuckle was quickly followed by the urge to smash my face into a triple-layer chocolate cake. Coincidence? Nah, one puerile giggle unlocked something that’s desperately trying to get out.

I didn’t know I had an inner child, but clearly, she’s waking up, and she wants to play. It’s time to have some fun. Are we done adulting yet? Please, can we just have one day where we’re goofy little kids again? Pretty please with cherries and whipped cream!

Is that something we’re allowed to do as grown-ups? Can we regress back to a time when we were carefree and unburdened by real-world problems? No more bills. No more news. No more…More! There’s always more of something, and I’ve had enough.

So, I giggled at an unintentional doodle and pictured my face landing in a chocolate cake. For a little while, I let my inner child run the roost, and it kinda felt good. I laughed a disproportionate amount, and it felt like a dam was finally rupturing. There were tears, my ears popped, and I gasped for breath.

If someone else had witnessed the moment, they might’ve assumed that I was having some sort of breakdown. I, however, prefer to think of it as some sort of breakthrough. I broke through months of pent-up tension, fear, and uncertainty. I broke through a wall of defence that’s supposed to keep me safe, but it keeps me alone. I broke through a mountain of stress and created a crack that let in a bit of light.

It was silly, stupid, and incredibly juvenile, but my God, it was needed. I just could not adult anymore. Adulting is hard! I want to be a kid again and live in blissful ignorance. I want some else to take care of me and tell me what to do for just a little while. I want my mommy to tuck me into bed and read me a bedtime story.

It’s been a while since I sighed but there it is.

I know I’ll have to tuck myself into bed tonight and read myself a story. That whole adulting thing? I can’t abandon it entirely. I wish I could, but I’m going to have to take care of business sooner or later.

The keyword is: Later.

Right now? Screw it! For this brief moment, I’m going to laugh at an accidental dick doodle and picture my face landing in a cake. I’m going to let my inner child run amuck. I am refusing to adult, and you can’t tell me what to do. You’re not my mom. Wee, look at me, I’m spinning in circles until I puke.

Ah, to be a kid again for just one day.