A Moment of Pettiness And Petulance

I don’t want to do this. I don’t want to sit down and write. I don’t think I have anything to say that will be of value or contribute to the greater discourse. At least, not today. Today, I’m not feeling that great physically or mentally. My body hurts, my heart aches, and I just want to go back to bed or maybe watch a stupid movie. 

I’m too tired for this and that and everything in between. I don’t want to do anything but doing nothing feels like a waste. I’ve wasted away enough time and now’s the time to do something. But what? What do I do when I don’t feel like doing anything? When all I want to do is nothing at all? When all I want is simply to know what I want?

I don’t think that made any sense at all but I’m feeling kind of senseless. In every sense of the word! Have you ever been in this incongruent state? As if someone has dissembled you and thrown you into a melting pot. Stir, stir, stir with vigour but the substances are not compatible. Oil and water. Water and flame. Flame and sulphur. Neither can exist while the other is near.

The reactions vary, as do the extremes, but one or the other has to go if the sum of the whole is to be preserved. If that’s not a mood then I don’t know what is.

It’s petulant. I’m being petulant. A spoilt child having a fit because her toys didn’t want to come out to play. Words are my toys and today they don’t want to come out, come out, where ever they are. Well, in my case, I think they want to play, but we can’t agree on the game or the rules.

Put words on a page? Nah, I don’t wanna. Find something positive to say about the darkest of days? Ha, no! Tell you that it will all be okay if we choose to be a little kinder to each other? Okay, yes, I believe that’s true, and I want to play with that some more. Just not today. Today, I’m too weary of the world, of us as a species, to embrace this simplest of truths.

Our selfish ways. Our cold hearts. It’s me first and you look after your own. Oil and water. Water and flame. Flame and sulphur. Fear, anger, righteous indignation, and more coffins feed the earth. Still, feel like playing a game? 

Another man shot in the back and the perpetrators hailed heroes. A kid with an assault rifle opens fire on peaceful protesters, killing at least two, and people want him to run for office. That kid, destroys so many lives and that includes his own. Still, there’s applause?

What is wrong with the human race? People who claim to fear God but, load God into a gun like a bullet. We lock and load him then pull the trigger. We shoot him at people and then wonder why people are running away from God, the church, or the bible. Running for their lives? Damn straight. Wouldn’t you if someone started shooting?

In my city, amidst a global pandemic, thousands of people went to the beach to participate in a drum circle. Their desire for fun in the sun outweighed my right to life. Their right to party came before your right to breathe. They ask, “What are the odds it’ll happen to me?” They say, “If I get it, so what? I’ll be fine. I’m young and healthy.”

Our numbers were down, the risk was dwindling, but then the selfish masses tested the odds. Those masses are now infected, and our rates are on the rise. How many of them are singing the same song right now? Their age hasn’t protected them, and they’re finding out just how fragile their health really is.

I’m angry and tired. The small, bitter, petty, vengeful part of me wants these idiots to get the virus. Not the dying kind. No one learns anything when they’re dead, and I’d hate for their loved ones to pay a tragic price. Let them get sick enough to pull their heads out their asses and have lasting effects that are just enought to remind them not to stick it back up there.

I don’t like this side of me very much. Quite frankly, she’s a bit of a bitch, and I try to keep her locked up in the basement. She’s well fed and watches lots of Netflix so don’t feel too sorry for her. Every once in awhile, though, she breaks the lock and goes for a walk. That’s when these petty, small, vengeful thoughts dance around my mind. 

No, I don’t want these people to get sick, but I wish they would care more about the people they’re putting at risk. I wish people cared more about others period. We’re all so locked into our own wants, needs, desires, and dreams that we forget the person next to us is there at all. We forget that they also have wants, needs, desires, and dreams. 

We forget to care about them completely!

Well, I’m tired of caring too, you know. I’m tired of thinking about other people and taking precautions for their safety. Today, I’m staying home because I woke up with a sore throat and a low-grade fever. I’ve been careful but, it doesn’t matter how careful I’ve been if so many people don’t care that much at all. It’s a cold, probably, or allergies. In a day or two, I’m going to be fine but what if I’m not?

What if, because of the selfish masses, I’m really sick? Will these drum circle idiots care then? Probably not, so you know what? I’m tired of caring when so many of you don’t.

But I do care and I hate that I care so much. I hate that I feel so much. I wish I could turn it off for a minute, an hour, a day. Caring is exhausting and I don’t wanna do it anymore! And yes, I just stomped my foot a little. So what? It’s a mood and I’m not ashamed. I’m too tired to feel shame right now.

From what I’ve been hearing from you, you’re feeling it too. You care so much it hurts. You care while others don’t. You pick up the slack and hold on tight. You try so hard. You’ve fought for so long. Are you as tired as I am?

I recently heard a term that was new to me: Toxic positivity. We’re told to look on the bright side. That things will get better. Smile through the pain. Look forward and not back. The sun will come out tomorrow. Positive emotions are the heroes and negative ones are the villains.

However, life isn’t one long rainbow with dancing unicorns. Bad things happen all around us. Ignoring that, pretending we don’t feel it, is as bad for us as living in the negative headspace. Looking for the good in the bad, is great, but you can still feel bad. You know that right?

Toxic positivity denies the reality of our situation and minimizes our authentic human experiences. It trivializes our emotions and invalidates our experiences. Negative emotions are normal and finding healthy ways to express them is good for us. But, we’re told that this is positive vibes only zone or that we’d be prettier if we smile. (That one carries a loaded wad of BS). So, we swallow our feelings, lock them in a basement, and let them eat a hole in our stomach lining.

Ulcers aren’t healthy! Living in denial isn’t helpful. Owning all of our feelings? In a healthy way, hell ya, feel them and express them.

In this moment, I’m angry, tired, frustrated, and sad. The world is a sad place. People are idiots. I’m being petty and petulant because I’m so over all of it. The blatant hypocrisy and bigotry. The pandemic and the fringe groups living in denial. The selfish assholes going to drum circles. People getting shot and killed because of their skin colour. People cheering on murderers while their victims are villainized. People using God as a weapon.

I’m over it and I’m angry and I’m furious and…I’m so fucking tired!

Today, I’m giving myself permission to feel what I feel without judgment or condemnation. I’m not going to push it away or shove it down. My poor stomach needs a break. These negative emotions aren’t comfortable but sometimes they’re necessary. Right now, they feel…Well, they feel what they feel.

No, I’m not going to let myself wallow. I all ready have plans to watch a movie with a friend this weekend. Thank God for technology! We’ll be in our own homes, watching over Zoom, and enjoying a physically distant laugh. It will be fun, and it will replace these negative emotions with the positive ones we all know, love, and greatly prefer.

But today I’m feeling the bad feelings and letting go of the judgment. I’m not going to control these emotions or real them in. They’re out now, on this page for you to read, and you know what? Letting them out feels pretty damn good. They aren’t clanking around in my brain, making noise, and now I feel like I can breathe a little easier.

So thanks for letting me share my feelings in a safe and healthy way.

In case you need it, here’s your permission slip to feel all the feelings swirling around in that beautiful brain of yours. There’s so much going on in all of our lives and our hearts. Feel it. Express it. Let it out. It’s okay to feel sad, angry, petty, petulant, and any other emotion. It’s a natural part of our authentic human experience. 

Feeling the negative is necessary and healthy. Wallowing in them is a different story. It’s a balancing act and that’s problematic. I’m very clumsy. I once broke my foot walking across a flat surface. True story! Balancing my emotions? Maybe I should try juggling steak knives first.

Or, I can take a nap. Yeah, that seems safer.