New Year New Me?

Happy New Year! A new year means one thing: We’ve written up our resolutions. Lose weight, spend less, save more, and a thousand other things. These lists are full of good intentions but, in the back of our minds, we know the list will be abandoned by February. It’s inevitable or maybe I’m the only one with no will power.

What’s that old joke? My one resolution this year is not to make resolutions. So, you broke your resolutions already? Hardy-har-har but accurate.

I used to write up my resolutions and stick them on the refrigerator. I had a plan. A pretty little plan. It would be different this time because this time I was determined. More determined than every other year? Uh…Nope! I fell short every year, and that list became confetti in my very own pity party parade.

So, I gave up on resolutions because, well, what’s the point? I’d try to be good for a couple of weeks, fail spectacularly, and throw in the towel. Yeah, I lack self-control and will power. Or, here’s a thought, maybe I was focusing on the wrong things?

Yes, I want to lose weight and get in better shape. I’d love to save money, and traveling would be amazing. These things are important to me, but they don’t inspire me. They don’t light a fire in that special place. They don’t keep me moving when I feel like my feet are in quicksand. I’d even say that these resolutions become the quicksand! Which is why I sink instead of fly.

For me, new years resolutions end up feeling restrictive and burdensome. My life has enough restrictions, and I think we’ve all got more than our fair share of burdens. Why add to that? Why make life harder? Besides, my rebellious side throws a tantrum when I try to put baby in a corner.

I’ve given up on resolutions, but I feel like I need to push myself into the new year. A swift kick in that special place. I’m thinking of trying a Hope List. It’s a wish I can make on a star and bended knee. Small things or big. Things my heart desires and my soul craves. Things I can put out into the universe with a quivering belief that something good will come back. Maybe it will help me work a little harder? Maybe I’m just draping an old tradition in new clothes?

Either way, this is my (partial) Hope List:

– I hope to grow this blog even though I don’t know-how. (Yet.)

– I hope that I have it in me to write more and post more often.

– I hope I have the courage to try more things that scare me.

– I hope I can have more patience with myself, the passage of time, and those around me.

The nice thing about a Hope List is that it can grow and change. It’s open-ended. It’s more fluid and less restrictive. It connects with my heart and, to be honest, just writing it made me want to cry. I’m not sure why but I think I hit something a little too hard.

I have so many hopes for this blog and my personal life. Some of them seem so big, and I’m not sure I’m tall enough to reach. Some terrify me. Others were just too personal to post online. All of them have a spark that could, possibly, grow into a fire.

Like I said in my first post, I’m just starting to explore the world outside of my diagnosis and disability. My steps are small and tentative. I’m feeling lost and scared. There’s still so much I don’t know. There’s still so much I need, and want, to learn about life and this online world.

That being said, I solemnly swear to you and myself that I’ll try to do my best. I’ll try to forgive myself when I fall short. I will always try to show up with as much of my heart as I can spare. Let’s add that to the Hope List! I hope my heart is strong enough to show up.

Do you have a Hope List or are you a traditionalist? I’d love to hear from you so please leave a comment, like this post, and subscribe. Happy new year my friend!