What Could Go Wrong

You had to ask! You had to say the words. Tempt fate? Why the hell not! Let’s put it out into the universe and see what happens. It’s not like the universe likes to sucker punch the foolish. Oh, wait, yes it does! It does it for the giggles. Oh, but okay, go on, give it a try!

Yeah, you’re right, I need to breathe. Calm down! Jeez. Sensitive much? Sure, but for good reason.

I’ve been the fool who’s tempted fate with reckless optimism. I’ve let my hope run away with my better judgment. I believed the best when I should’ve prepared for the worst. Those words came out of my mouth and you know what happened?

BOOM. POW. SMACK.

Right across the kisser with a brace knuckle. Fate doesn’t care that those knuckles are illegal. Good luck slapping handcuffs on that little bastard. Nope, as long as its punch inflicts maximum damage, then all’s fair in hope and fairy dust. It’s just the way the system works. Designed for pain. Destined for failure.

Too cynical?

I don’t know when I started to expect the worst. There was a time when I said my prayers at night fully expecting the best but now? If I’m being honest, when I pray, I don’t know if I believe the words will count for all that much. Will it change the outcome? Maybe. Maybe not. A part of me has to believe, or I wouldn’t still pray, but I feel like a fraud. Asking for divine intervention; never fully embracing the possibility.

Maybe it’s a learned response? I’ve been in plenty of situations where prayer seemed like my only hope. When I was three, my parents prayed that my kidneys wouldn’t be damaged, but I was diagnosed with chronic renal failure. We prayed for a transplant, but the kidney I received didn’t work. There’s a long list of prayers that pair off with disappointments but still we prayed, hoped, and believed.

I can’t tell you how many times we’d sigh and say, “At least that’s the worst of it.” We tempted fate and the lesson was taught: Expect the worst, pray for the best, prepare for all hell to break loose. I’d even say that, for me, it’s become, “Pray for the best but don’t expect much.”

When something twinges, I automatically assume the worst. There’s pain; this is it. My time’s up. I’ve had a good run. It’s over. I stress, I worry, I pray with the fraction of my heart that still believes in miracles. My eyes squeeze shut, and I wait for the punch.

What happens when the twinge turns out to be a strained muscle and not a life-shattering illness? Is that proof of a miracle or was I just lucky? Maybe you have a ready answer but me? I don’t know anymore.

I want to believe in miracles, fairies, and magic words that make it all better. Not just half-hearted faith. Not hope that’s covered with surgical scars. Not cynical eyes that see a cloud of smoke instead of fairy dust. I wish my ears didn’t hear empty platitudes instead of inspiration or optimism.

Like a Pavlovian experiment, the bell rings and my view of the world is met with cynicism. Is it’s a natural byproduct of trauma? Has experience taught me some hard truths? Perhaps it’s a burning fear of being disappointed, heartbroken, and crushed one more time. 

My mom and I were talking about this, and she asked, “Why do we always assume the worst?”

When the worst always seems to happen, it’s easy to expect it will happen again. However, there’s a difference between expectations and reality. One’s founded in assumptions and cynicism. The other is a tangible, verifiable, entity. One is felt; one is experienced. Together they create our world view.

If I look back, past the pain and disappointment, there are times when prayer and hope won the day. When my heart stopped and there was little chance I’d come back? Hope, prayer, brought me home. When time was running out, when I only had months to live, that second kidney transplant was a miracle.

When I take a minute to reflect I realize that there are moments when the universe gave me a hug instead of a punch. Small moments of respite in whatever storm was raging. Large, momentous, events that reshaped my life for the better. Times when I should’ve died but kept on living. 

It’s these moments, big or small, that validates the faith hidden under the scars. They’re the reason I still pray even though my heart might not be all in. When I stop, breathe, and look back I find the evidence I need to keep moving forward.