This Is Me

So, I’m really going to do this? I’m going to write about life and offer words of enlightenment like I’m something special. Haha! Sorry, made myself laugh. Hahaha. Stop it! Wow, okay, I’m good now.

Deep breath. Whew.

Where was I? Right! I guess I could talk about living with purpose. Except, I don’t know how to do that.

How about finding joy? Yeah that would be incredibly helpful! Uh…

How do we maintain our sanity in a world that’s turning itself inside out? Anyone want to chime in here? Anyone? No. Okay.

I’m right there with you my friend. Looking. Searching. Crawling on my hands and knees. Mostly I’ve found a lot of dust bunnies and an old chew toy. I hope it’s a chew toy. Please be a chew toy. Ew.

Clearly I’m not, what you’d call, an expert. 

I have been through a lot. Does that count?

I’ve damn near died more times than I can count. I have died a few times too. Don’t ask me how many surgeries I’ve had or hospital stays. I don’t think I can count that high. Keep running out of little piggies. Only ten fingers? How’s that helpful?

I’ve been through so much and it’s given me a unique perspective. It’s forced me to look at life differently. It’s taught me some hard lessons but an expert? 

I’m just a girl who’s had to live life the hard way. 

I have an illness called Chronic Renal failure. Kidney disease. I was diagnosed when I was three years old. I had an operation, a simple corrective procedure, but the doctor made a mistake. That mistake damaged my kidneys and led to a disease that will, most likely, kill me.

It has killed me. I’ve been clinically dead multiple times. No pulse. No breath. No signs of life. I’ve died but I came back. I don’t know why but I have to believe there’s a reason. 

God, I hope there’s a reason.

After all of that, I suppose it’s only natural that people have a lot of questions about my life. I’ve gotten used to it but what get’s to me is the tone. There’s an eagerness and anticipation. There’s a hint of hope that maybe, down there in the darkness, I’ve found the secret to life. 

I’m sorry, but I don’t know what to say. Yes, some crazy stuff has happened to me but so what? Stuff happens to a lot of people. Horrific things that I can’t even begin to imagine so what makes me special?

Then I wonder if you’ll believe me if I told you the real story. Not the fairytale, choir of angels, version that wraps my life up in a pretty bow. I know that’s what people want but I want to tell you the real story. The messy reality of living with a chronic illness. 

If I did would you hear me out?

I think my life’s like one of those tv movies. It’s 2 AM and sleep is a fickle friend. I turn on the tv and flip through the channels. It was this or buying useless crap online. Honestly, I don’t think my bank account can’t afford another one of those nights.

I stare at the screen and, damn, these movies are ridiculous! I roll my eyes and sigh tiredly. It’s so over the top! What the hell am I watching? Why am I still watching it?

Yeah, okay, sometimes it gets to me. I’m not a robot. I cry a little but only when I’m alone. Don’t want anyone knowing that this crap shook something loose. I’ve got a reputation to protect.

Fine, I don’t have a reputation but come on! Are you serious with this stuff? 

That’s how I see my life. So beyond dramatic that it straddles the line between reality and fiction. How can one person experience all of this in one lifetime? How can it be real? It can’t. Except it is. This isn’t a story. I’m not making it up. God help me! This is my life.

This is how everything I’ve been through affects the way I see the world. How I experience my existence on this damn rock. Maybe even a few things I learned along the way. Hopefully, it’ll be helpful.

So here goes.

My name is Keri and I am a recovering human being. Flawed. Cracked but not shattered. Just trying to make it through today and hoping tomorrow’s a little bit better.

Welcome to my life!