Storm Clouds and Doughnuts

That was a rough night. The first real storm of the season blew through and rattled the windows, snapped some trees, and wiped out the electricity for half the population. There were loud crashes in the darkness, and my building shivered in grim anticipation. Which way were those trees falling? East. West. Right on top of our heads.

Hunker down and brace for impact. Light some candles. Snuggle under a blanket. It’s gonna be a bumpy ride.

Generally speaking, I love a good storm. The sound of rain on an umbrella is meditative. Gale force winds blow away the mental cobwebs. There’s a vigour and delight that send shivers through your bones. It’s a cheap adrenaline rush without the bungee cord or reckless life choices. It’s wonder and awe at the power of nature that’s almost— if not outright— childlike.

Oo, a good storm is the best when the sun is up, and I know when to duck. At night? When the world outside my window is pitch black? No, thank you. 

It’s silly, I know, but when those trees cracked, and the branches fell, I ducked. There’s a lot of building between me and the cyclone outside, but I couldn’t help it. With every crack and crash, I flinched and covered my head with my blanket. Yep, that piece of fabric would save the day. 

When the sun rose, the ground was covered in branches, leaves, twigs, and cushions someone forgot to take in last night. Is that a chair in the tree? Hmm, that will be fun to get down. It might just live there now. At least the squirrels will be comfy.

The building, however, remained unscathed, so maybe my blanket saved the day. You’re welcome, everyone. No need to applaud. Your gratitude has been noted and completely made up in my own mind. You’ll never know the sacrifices I’ve imagined. Ah, so selfless.

It’s still blustery, and those clouds look dark and heavy. I don’t think they’re done with us yet, but they’re holding steady. I don’t see a drop of rain. I wonder if I should risk it? Do I dare? Will I make it in time? Hm, tempting, tempting.

I used to love going for walks and hikes. A year ago, I would’ve been out my front door as soon as the sun came up. Grab my hiking boots, and walking stick. Let’s get a good taste of the aftermath. Is there a better sound than walking over a carpet of freshly fallen leaves? Crunch. Rustle. Oop, watch out, it’s a bit slippy.

It’s even better if the wind has some vigour. The trees rustle and sway. It’s like they’re dancing just for you. Who needs a theatre or expensive Broadway tickets? Nah, this is it. This is way better than anything humans can create.

Again, a year ago, I wouldn’t have hesitated, but now I’m thinking twice, thrice, should I go for four? 

A part of me desperately wants to get out there. The other part is a bit more timid. My body isn’t as strong as it was a year ago, and neither is my mind. Can I do it? I’m doubting everything right now. I lost trust in myself and my body. It’s betrayed me too much. I’m not sure if it’s going to do it again.

Go outside for a walk alone? What if something happens? What if I can’t make it back? What if…

It was easier when I had a dog, and the choice was already made. He’d look at me with those eyes, and it didn’t matter how I felt. The shoes would go on, and out we’d go. He’d run through the leaves and turn his face into the wind. There would be a smile and a happy wag of the tail. When it was done, I might not have wanted to do it, but I always felt better.

That would most likely be true now, too. Fresh air, a gust of wind, out with the brainy cobwebs (brain-webs?), and whew, some deep breaths. Also, how can I get my strength back if I don’t do something to strengthen myself? Hmm, all good points, good points indeed.

Still, I don’t know. I don’t trust my body— if I hadn’t mentioned that already— or the world and going out there…Sigh. I know what I should do, but I need some motivation, or is that inspiration. Think. Think.  

Oo, you know what I need? A goal. Something to aim for that, preferably, offers a great reward. No, silly, personal growth and mental and physical healing isn’t enough. Ha ha, you’re so funny. Who does that? Who does something simply because it’s good for them?

As if we’re mentally stable, well-functioning humans. Ha, ha, ha, no.

No, obviously, there has to be a carrot on the end of the stick. Anything else would be madness. Absolute, unequivocal lunacy. You know, more than what would be considered baseline.

Hm, think Pooh, think.

A walk is exercise, and exercise requires fuel. What fuels the body better than a delicious baked good? If anyone says bananas, I swear…No, the only legitimate answer is, of course, doughnuts. Freshly made is preferable. A shop dedicated to this single delight? Clearly, that’s the superior choice.

Luckily, there’s such a haven of goodness not too far away. It’s within walking distance if I’m willing to do the leg work. Am I willing? Do I risk it? Come on, pull yourself together! It’s a walk to a bakery, not a hike through the Pyrenees. I’m going out for a sweet treat, not searching for the holy grail or whatever people quest for these days.

For f**ks sake, what’s wrong with me?

Shake off the doubt, fear, and what-ifs. Slip on those walking shoes, grab your keys, and walk out that door. One, two, three…Allons-y. If you get that obscure reference, we can be friends.

I did it! I walked out the door. Yay me!

I actually expected there to be more damage after all the sound effects. There are quite a few branches down, and the path is covered in a blanket of leaves. Some are as big as my head! The colours, oh, they’re so beautiful! They’re a rainbow of fall colours. Reds, yellows, oranges. Some have a patchwork grading. 

I love this time of year. The colours, the cool air, the dancing trees way above my head. The rustling under my feet as I gingerly follow the trail over a bridge. The creek is filling up and moving fast. A few more nights like last night, and it will turn into a river.

The path winds up a steep hill, and I leave the forest behind me. The main road is up ahead, and it’s going to be a busy morning. Everyone has someplace to go and important things to do? Me? It took me an hour to get my shoes on and walk out the door.

But I walked out the door, so small wins are still wins. It wasn’t long ago that I couldn’t walk at all. The infection in my blood took all of my strength and my ability to stand on my own. I’m healing. I have to remind myself of that over and over.

Healing takes time and no small amount of grace for yourself. Cut yourself some slack. You’re doing the best you can. Take another step forward, that’s it, and now another. Before you know it you’ll get to where you’re going.

I walk down the street, and most shops are still closed. My hope diminishes. Does my destination have power? The streetlights are working, so that’s a good sign. The electricity must be on, which means the bakery should be…Yes! The sign is lit up, there are people inside, and best of all, there are doughnuts on display.

The Hive Donut Hut (http://www.hivedonuthut.ca) hasn’t been around that long, but its popularity has grown quickly. Freshly made in-store, they sell out fast, and once they’re gone, that’s it for the day. No surprise, really. They have a great selection of classics and fresh spins. I’ve always wanted to try the doughnut from the Simpsons, and they have a delicious facsimile. 

Take a bite, eyes close, and sigh. The doughnuts are light and pillowy. Sweet, but not too sweet. Rich and decadent without being too much. It’s the perfect balance of spoiling yourself because, let’s face it, we all need to do that more often without feeling spoilt.

The last time I was here, they had a lichee doughnut that was so yummy. They have some staples, but they switch things up every day if you’re adventurous. Today, I went basic with glazed and cinnamon sugar for pure comfort.

Mm, this is what I needed. I need to get out more. I know I do. Staying home in my little bubble feels safe, and that’s all I want right now. I want to feel safe, but I need more out of life. I need crunchy leaves, sweet treats, and dancing trees. I need to be happy, and I don’t know if I can have that if I stay safe.