A Practise In Mindlessness

One foot in front of the other. Slow and steady. Loose stones crunch beneath my feet. It’s still warm out, but there’s a breeze rustling the leaves. It’s taking the edge off the setting sun. How is it still this hot at— what time is it— 8:50 PM? Whew, that sun cannot set fast enough.

I don’t wanna do this. I wanna go home. Why am I doing this? Oh, right, I’m taking a stupid walk for my stupid mental health. Also, my dog is diabetic and needs to move his fury little paws. Okay, little buddy, let’s do this, one more step and another crunch. 

Tiny birds jump from branch to branch. Some take flight when my dog goes in for a sniff. Loud chirping echoes off the trees. A chorus line of sweet chaos. Are they cheering us on or telling us to bugger off? 

Let’s think positively! Thank you so much for your chirps of encouragement, and yes, I will also bugger off posthaste. You are very welcome.

In my overactive imagination, I picture chickadee’s in tiny cheerleading outfits doing acrobatics. Wait, that should be aeronautics. Mm, that’s more like it. I would give them pom-poms — you know, in my imagination— but that doesn’t seem practical. How could they perform their skyward cheers with poofy ruffly things on their wings?

Logic. You gotta use a little logic.

Or, they’re warning each other of a loony lady traipsing through their humble habitat. She’s back! Watch out, she’s got measuring tape and a sewing kit. She’s gonna do it. She’s gonna dress us up and make us dance like monkeys. Can you imagine the humiliation? No self-respecting bird would ever.

Don’t worry, I would never do such a thing. I don’t know how to sew.

This is getting away from me. I’ll reel it in. I haven’t gotten outside much, and I’ve had very little human interaction for a few months. It’s getting to me. I’m going a little…Well, birds and pom-poms. Do I need to say more?

I’ve been on powerful immune therapy drugs that act like an X-Wing going up the Death Star’s back passage. My body is the Empire, and my immune system Darth Vader? Okay, that works, I suppose.

*Cough* Nerd. *Cough* Shut up, I’ve had a lot of time to kill, and I’ve needed the distraction. Also, Jar Jar was a grossly misunderstood character and deserved better. There, I said it.

Where was I? Right, those drugs blew up my little Death Star and left me vulnerable to invading forces. It also left me weak, locked inside, and feeling (sometimes praying for) death. Good times! Ah, but sometimes evil is necessary.

Nope, that’s not the message I want to convey. Not at all. Less evil. Yeah, I think we can all agree the world needs less of that. Maybe we should talk more about tiny birds in tutus or whatever the hell I was picturing.

Sometimes we have to go through things that royally suck, so we can get back to the good days. Mm, yes, that’s a better message.

That’s what these last few months have been for me. My body decided to try and destroy the galaxy, so it had to be stopped by any means necessary. Enter the squadron of tiny fighters, one well-placed shot, and boom! My immune system blew up. 

I’m in the process of restarting it, and I’m feeling a little stronger. I’m not where I want to be, and it’s taking too long for my liking. More power! We need more power. Damn it Jim, I’m a doctor, not a….I’m mixing up my franchises, aren’t I? Ah, you get the idea.

The sun is setting, and I’m doing what I can to help my body heal. One step and then another. Gravel crunches, birds chirp, and my imagination goes on a little adventure. I’ve been told that walking is very meditative and it can silence the mind. When does that kick in? Is it a mileage thing? Do I have to do a certain number of steps before my mind shuts down?

Clearly, my brain missed the memo. With every step I take, my mind takes a giant leap into some flight of fancy. Do I have a mindfulness practice? Uh, I think I have mindlessness practice. The thoughts don’t stop, and most of the time, they don’t make any sense. 

Does it feel good? I’ll let you know when I get home.

I walk around the corner and stop. Through a metal fence surrounding a construction site, I see it. The smile is inevitable, and so is the sigh. Past the barricade, machinery, and muddy pit, the sky is putting on a show. It’s like the Great and Powerful It took up painting.

Good on ya, everyone needs a hobby.

Realism, expressionism, and post-impressionism combine in one stunning portrait. Broad strokes of a brush. Exaggerated colours swirl and blur. It’s framed by cranes, concrete slabs, and a giant hole in the ground. It looks rough around the edges. It’s messy, but somehow the mess adds to the beauty.

Kind of like life, I suppose.

This is where I should go deeper and explore that thought. I could be philosophical and retrospective. Compare this moment to the last few months. Scrounge out a few words of hope. Hold on for one more day. Go on, sing that song. I know you wanna.

The thing is, I’m on this walk in an attempt to strengthen my weakened body and still my mind. I don’t want to think. I don’t want to feel. I don’t want to go deeper into life’s multi-layered dimensions. Sure, they’re intriguing, and I usually enjoy exploring the intricacies of these thoughts.

Today, in this moment, standing by this fence? I don’t want to do it. The sky is putting on a magnificent show. The birds are getting fit for tutus or whatever I said earlier. The Death Star has been destroyed, and the Empire…Well, I guess we’ll have to wait for the next trilogy.

My mind is mindless, and I don’t mind at all. I kind of like it. This moment of random silliness, thoughtlessness, and beauty is what I need. I’ve had enough deep thoughts and big decisions for awhile. Right now?

I pull my eyes away from the work of living art and look down at my dog. He gives me a quizzical look as if to ask, “Have you completely lost your mind?” No, little buddy, it’s just gone on a short walkabout. 

With a deep inhale and an even deeper exhale, I grind the gravel under my feet and take another step forward. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to turn my mind off. It’s a constant whirl of activity. Silence bothers me. I’m more comfortable in the chaos. What would I do if it all went quiet?

*Shiver* Perish the thought. Hmm, what does that say about me? Oh, who cares right now.

It’s nice to follow the silly and indulge in the thoughts you probably wouldn’t share with many people. Birds in goofy outfits. Tiny fighter planes zoom up back passages. The Great and Powerful It takes up a hobby. Does any of this make sense? Nope, and that’s the point.

Practice a little mindlessness from time to time. It might make you smile, giggle, and question your sanity. It just might preserve what little you have left. It’s a short trip of fancy, but worth it every once in a while.

Okay, that’s as deep as I can muster. Time to get moving. One step at a time. Let’s get some strength back into these weary bones. Also, I think the birds might be forming a resistance. They’re small, but it’s the small ones you really have to worry about.

Guard the back passage! Hurry up, let’s get outta here.